Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
