Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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