His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
