We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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