I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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