the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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