Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
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