I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
