Capitaan dildo arrescate!
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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