So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
