the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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