why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
