mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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