my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
