And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
You're a waste of cheezeits
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
