did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
