Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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