I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
It's blow job season.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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