the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
