there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
