I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
So squirting runs in the family.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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