Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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