I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
