i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
