I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
