If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
