I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
