i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
