Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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