I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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