I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
