I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
