where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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