he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize