Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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