The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Gay?
German.
Pity.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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