I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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