So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
