Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
