My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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