I just cut my nipple shaving
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
