I want to make a zoo with you.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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