a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
