I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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