Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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