Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
This baby is an asshole
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
