Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
