I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
