okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
