I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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