so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
my shit smells like andre
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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