Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
