I'm so fucking centered right now
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
