the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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