at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
