I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
