i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
